


Weekend at Gringotts: A Poor Parody

by YertzNilo357



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-25 08:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16658044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YertzNilo357/pseuds/YertzNilo357
Summary: Goblin King RockBreakSmasher. Dr Bone Splitter; Then ReSetter aka the Gob Doc (short for Goblin Doctor). The last two of their species, they are in the shit. A Boy Who Lived with a liquefied brain (DEAD). A Hungarian Horntail that was supposed to be an owl. The likely intervention of Minister for Magic Dobby Socklover (acquired surname). These two battlers have only each other, the clothes on their xergshrewksies (Gobbledegook for back) and Goblin ingenuity (which can be gruesome). Based off the knowledge acquired from Wikipedia, they're going to trick the world and 'Weekend at Bernies' it.





	1. Chapter 1

Truncated prologue

 

"So, you know the plan, right? We're going to pretend that Harry Potter is not dead. We are going to make him walk around. We're going to make him talk. We are GoinG TO BE HIM!!!!! YOU UNDERSTAND, ARSEHOLE!!?? DO U?!"

 

The King was standing up with his arms above his head, almost as if he was raising the roof. Like Goku reborn as a fairly stupid goblin, as opposed to a dumb as fuck Saiyan, he stood with arms up high. Dr BoneSplitter; Then ReSetter ignored him, quite admirably. He was perusing Wikipedia, specifically the Weekend at Bernies page. 

"Your Majesty, I honestly think this will fail spectacularly. There is literally no way this could possibly work. Unless Wizards are as dumb as we goblins think they are, it ain't working, champ. Even then, a moron is right twice a week so I feel that we'll be found out regardless. I mean, spoiler alert, they are found out, man. They straight up found out, yo."

The King completely ignored him, treating him like the drunk uncle at a family reunion. 

He was studying, working and planning his greatest achievement. All he needed were some sticks, string, belts, salt (for preservation), some rope, a kettle of fish, bananas and Vaseline. 

"This plan is a million to one chance. And it just might work."


	2. Laying the groundwork

“If we achieve this, it will be the greatest pulling the wool over the wizards eyes ever achieved by the goblin race. We will be legends. LEGENDS!!”

The King of Two smirked and nodded. Crossing his arms, he closed his eyes and nodded like an anime protagonist.

“Hmm, hmm”, he hmmed. The hmms were crisp and well-rounded, clear in their delivery. “Quite an achievement, I feel. Imagine how those damn froggy goblins or Ruskie goblins or yeti-esque goblins are going to feel. Stupid jerks. WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!!”

“They’re dead. All dead. Dead to the shit. The High Elf War Chieftain Aurelius Marcellus Antoinettus Colonius Winky, High Bride of the God Leader Dobby SockLover Von Terribulius MagnetBoy declared a Blood claim against all Goblins.”

Dr Bone Splitter; Then ReSetter carefully tied a string around Harry’s dead, floppy wrist.

“The International Conjoined Goblin Army lost within 32 seconds. It was about 15 minutes ago. They were completely wiped out. We are literally the last two goblins on Earth. Which is why I’m not completely shitting on your fucking terrible plan, because why the hell not? Just as much of a chance as literally any other piece of crap, crack pot, bullshit theory either of us can come up with at this current juncture.”

The King slowly nodded and asked, “How did we lose so quickly?”

“They chucked gold into a volcano. That took care of the Israeli goblins. They found our secret weapon holdings, burnt those. They threw jewels near a Leviathan. Threw a VB and pack of durries into a Ute muster and killed all 17 Aussie goblins. Bogans. They also had full foreknowledge of all our strategies, encampments, hospitals, etc. The butler really does see everything. So they wiped us out, the entire, international, goblin community. All 976 of us.”

The Dr slowly spread some marmalade on Harry’s eyeball, to maintain a level of moistness and to maintain a lively look.

“We were pretty much almost extinct anyway, if you think about it. Gosh, this sucks major arse.”

The King said, “One, you shouldn’t stereotype. That would work on any goblin. We live for gold. That’s how I assassinated the last dozen Kings. Two, I think it would be more likely we just fought each other to the death. Goblins hate goblins, even more than we hate wizards. Three, my plan is FUCKING AMAZING! WEEKEND AT BERNIES!! How’s the Harry-onette coming along?”

…..

“Were there really only 976 goblins?”

“Yep. We loved killing each other off. Even more than gold.”

Dr BS;TR smoothly shoved the Vaseline-covered banana into Harry-onette’s ear, to create a ‘beautiful’ smile. He then carefully stapled one fish to Harry-onette’s upper lip, to re-create his moustache.

“How did Dobby become God King? I mean, he seemed like such a pussy. Like a whipped dog. Soft as the proverbial butter.”

“From what I gathered, he won it via hammer, scissors, paper. He knew that God always throws out paper, cos on that is written the word of the Lord so Dobby went scissors. The Butler sees everything, man.”

“You’re joking right?”

“Yes, I am. The elves gained access to the nuclear codes of every major Muggle government. They fired one and completely obliterated Arbore Alley, the main Peruvian wizarding village. Turns out that there is a big difference between turning fire cold to pretend it burns you and being atomised. That’s the correct term, right?”

“….i wouldn’t know. That isn’t good.”

“They then blew up Downunder Alley, the main Chinese wizarding village, Aodaliy Alley, the main Australian wizarding village. Then they destroyed villages in America, Armenia, Turkey, Austria, Bulgaria, France and New Zealand. It’s around then that the wizards got the point. So now God King Dobby is, unironically, the God King of Earth. A lot happened while you trolled Mr Potter.”

The Doctor proceeded to slowly hammer nails into Harry-onettes hips, to make sure the double size pants stayed put. He then proceeded to drive more nails into the sternum of Harry-onette, to ensure that the large shirt stayed in place.

“Why are you nailing clothes to him?”

“So we can hide in him when we control his body. Just like how Bernie controls Lachlan.”

“..Ok. Wait, isn’t Bernie dead?”

“Yes, he is.”

“Oh, haha, spoiler alert, right? Haha. Ahh, I guess let’s get to it? Let the hijinks ensue!”

……

“How did you find out about the goblin’s being massacred, by the way?”

“Twitter.”

“Oh, OK. LET THE HIJINKS ENSUE!!”


End file.
